November Second
Day Two and Part Two of an infinite number
The tension hasn’t fully released in my body yet. After so many years of being in survivor mode, up to and including what happened to my daughter, I don’t think my body knows how to fully relax. My inner fists are still clenched. My actual jaw is still clenched; my teeth are grinding so hard that they squeak and startle me.
I should contact one of my energy healer friends for a clearing session. I want God or someone to open up a temporary, one-way portal in my back, between my kidneys and my lungs, so that all this toxic tar can flow out. I want to let it go, but it’s sticky. The kind of stickiness that takes Divine solvents to disappear.
In the meantime, I can write, and not just in my journal. Finally, I can talk about it, although I can’t guarantee I won’t cry. And, as usual, I don’t care if it makes anyone uncomfortable. But I didn’t realize what a knot this had made in me; tying up my throat chakra, heart chakra, solar plexus, sacral… basically all of them. Millions of tiny places inside me where I had stopped myself from saying certain words out loud, from thinking certain thoughts. Truncated sentences, amputated ideas littering my veins, piling up in my guts, adding to the ever-expanding cortisol belly.
Yes, I’ve slept a lot, probably too much, but that’s not the same.
It’s going to take time for me to be able to write as if criminal defense lawyers aren’t peering over my shoulder. I’m probably going to continue to have nightmares about private investigators showing up at my door while I’m still in my bathrobe and half-asleep, questioning me about my sex life and how my daughter is a big, fat liar.
It will take a while. But I’m not giving up.
See you all here tomorrow.
I hope you can get some good, soothing help to let go of these tight, harmful, knots. I understand what is going on inside your head and body (although from different circumstances, y'know.) One of my curatives has always been exercising/working out.
Cuddle with your kitty-pie, go for soothing walks with deep breathing, watch smart comedies on streaming - like Ted Lasso :-D Call and talk with friends, and/or relatives. We love you, Suzy. Love yourself, too.